Please Just Like Me

Alright, I'm just going to sort this all out through writing. It's late, so please forgive my potentially incoherent babbling.

I think there are a couple of guys who are interested in me. And, as usual, I have no idea how to handle it.

The first is an Iron-Maiden-worshipping karaoke maven that I've known for over a year now. Frankly, he's been interested since the day we met (or since the day he first saw me karaoke, which was a few weeks before that). But I'm somewhat, shall we say, uncatchable. I was quasi-dating a different karaoke guy. Then I started dating The Filmmaker... And since becoming single, I've gone to karaoke exactly once.

He's a nice guy. He thinks I'm worthy of high praise, which is of course a huge score in anyone's favor. He's a bit of a know-it-all (not usually in an attractive way). He's a bit socially awkward (not in a cute way). I wouldn't call him combative, but he does have a certain air of "I win all my arguments" about him.

I adore him as a friend. But beyond that, I can't say that I'm interested.

He keeps buying tickets to things and asking me to go along. Things that he has chosen to bring up, clearly, because he thinks I'll like them. A Yo-Yo Ma concert (I was, after all, a cellist for 8 years). A Bernadette Peters concert. The touring company of Avenue Q. I couldn't go to Yo-Yo Ma because I was in tech for a show. The other two concert dates are still upcoming, and I haven't given a response (although, honestly, it would be impossible for me to do so in advance, due to the hyper-changeable nature of my grad school schedule).



The second guy I met though a classmate of mine. He got to know a lot of people in my program over the summer while I was up East with my family. He's nice. I see him in social situations and make small talk. He showed up at my surprise birthday party...

(Side note: My roommates threw me a surprise birthday party during my dinner break from tech. It was unreal, and super cool. Sometimes I love people.)

Anyway. The other night, I was in a bar (where aforementioned classmate who links me to this guy is a bartender once a week) and started a conversation with him. A real one, and not just our usual superficial pleasantries. We bonded over our common Catholicism and social phobias/anxieties (he apparently used to be agoraphobic). We decided to go to Mass together next Sunday (which will be nice... I've been going to church by myself pretty regularly these days, and I do hate going alone, as a result of the social anxiety).

We talked about Guitar Hero and played darts (um, I'm REALLY terrible at darts. Like, if I get the dart to stick into something other than the floor, it's cause for celebration). I invited him to join a group I'd been organizing to go watch the meteor storm on the beach.

We were both leaving the bar at the same time, and his car needed time to warm up (to defog his windows), so he chilled in my car for a bit. I played him some of the random-as-all-get-out variety of music currently housed on my fraction-of-an-iPod. "Subtle Sexuality" by the girls from The Office. "Do You Wanna Date My Avatar?" by the cast of The Guild. Several mash-ups from Glee. And some of the songs on Natalie Imbruglia's latest album (Come to Life, which might be my favorite yet... which is a HUGE DEAL considering that she was already my favorite artist. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!!!!) It wasn't until we hugged as he got out of my car that I realized that maybe he was interested (in retrospect, I'm incredibly dense; the signs were all there). And then I was grateful for the cherry-flavored Chupa-Chup lollipop, whose stick was protruding from my mouth at that point in a way that surely threatened off all possible romantic gestures and impromptu kiss attempts.

He text messaged me about 20 minutes later to say what a great time he'd had, and I knew I was in trouble.

Then I found out: this guy? He's mid-fight with our mutual friend. And knowing her, she's probably upset that I was even TALKING to him while he was in her bar. Let's just say she wasn't thrilled when I told her he was coming meteor-spotting with us.

He has texted me a few times in the last two days, asking if I want to go over and hang out, watch a movie, play Rock Band, etc. So far, I've turned him down. (I've had stuff to do, anyway.)

I'm not that into him. He's cool, and I'd like to have him as a friend. But again, I just don't want it to go beyond that. And I really hope that he doesn't think me going to Mass with him on Sunday is a date. Because it is SO not.




The thing is, I'm really quite lonely. I am. I miss cuddling. I miss talking to someone who cares about my problems. I miss talking to someone on a regular basis. Anyone, really. I'm around people plenty, but I still often feel like I'm in a cone of isolation.

The most recent person I was talking to on a regular basis was a friend who was calling me drunk every night talking about his depression. One night, he started the conversation by telling me that he had just called a "suicide hotline", and that "they weren't helpful" because they're not authorized to give advice (I'm sure it's a legal issue). All they could do was listen. And he wanted someone to respond. So even though I had a day full of classes and an evening performance ahead of me, I stayed on the phone with him until 3:30am trying to keep him talking about the positive things in his life.


Of course, The Filmmaker isn't completely out of my life. He recently sent me a birthday gift. One that, if we were still dating, would be really quite lovely and wonderful. But because we're not? It's riding the line between awfully sweet and creepy. Riffing off a conversation about how a guy in a bar once misheard my name as "Tarantula", and Filmmaker thought that would be my mutant name as a superhero... He got a bunch of his artist friends to contribute to graphic-novel-style art on the subject of me being said superhero. It's three framed pieces of collaborative art, which he said he thought would be nice in my room, which currently is somewhat lacking in wall-covering decoration.

How do you respond to a thoughtful, complex gift like that from an ex? Especially an ex like this one?



Maybe it's because it's 1:00am, but it seems like I keep getting thrown all these wily pitches that I don't know how to hit.



The crux of the problem is probably that I just want people to like me. And I don't want to disappoint anyone. And I don't want to be alone.

But it creates so many problems.

I can't be everyone's go-to gal in crisis. I can't be everyone's friend. I can't be everyone's crush. I can't.




May you figure out what the real problem is.

~A~