Unfriended

I got an e-mail yesterday morning from The Filmmaker:

"Thanks a lot for completely fucking humiliating me in front of everyone I know.

I can't believe you told [Friend] to be the same thing for Halloween."


And then I discovered that The Filmmaker had unfriended me on Facebook. No, I'm not kidding.



So here's a little backstory...

I think it was when I was in high school (let's say it was around 2001) when I came up with (what I thought was) a great Halloween costume... for a guy. All the guy had to do was buy a bunch of postage stamps (like $5 or $10 worth), stick them on himself, and go as a "First Class Piece of Mail/Male". Inexpensive, clever, with a nice double entendre thrown in.

Well, I liked it.

And, since 2001, every time a male friend (including my brothers) has been looking for a Halloween costume, I have given the (often unsolicited) advice that he should go as a First Class Piece of Male/Mail.

And no one ever does.

So a couple of weeks ago, The Filmmaker, whom I'm trying to be cordial with (hoping that perhaps we could one day be friends, as I now am with my other ex, Brian), e-mailed me saying he didn't have a Halloween costume. And I suggested my brilliant stand-by suggestion.

A few days ago, The Filmmaker's friend from film school called me up to ask me to be in a film he's making in April, and I said yes (woo-hoo!). He mentioned that he didn't have a Halloween costume, so once again, I suggested my old standby costume... You know. The one that I always suggest but no one actually uses.

Cut to the day after Halloween, when I get this e-mail from The Filmmaker.

I was upset. Of course, I never meant any harm, but all these scenarios started running through my head. What if The Filmmaker had flown from California to Florida for Halloween, hoping to surprise his old friends? And shown up at the party where his best friend from school was wearing the same outfit? What if all his old friends mocked them both for not being creative enough to be good filmmakers? It could've been horrible! And so upsetting! And humiliating! And (indirectly) my fault!

I texted The Filmmaker something along the lines of "1. I'm sorry. 2. What happened?"

I texted his friend something along the lines of "I just got an angry e-mail from [The Filmmaker]. I'm sorry if I upset you. I don't know what happened. Help?"

I called my parents, crying. I went to Mass and prayed about it. I called Brian (the magical and mythical ex-who-broke-my-heart-but-whom-I-am-still-good-friends-with-anyway-without-it-being-weird-even-now-that-he's-dating-someone-else), who told me that it wasn't my fault and that The Filmmaker was overreacting, and that if he knew me at all he would know that it's never my intention to hurt anyone, ever.

And then I went home and checked my e-mail.

Filmmaker responded.

"What happened?

Against my better judgement, I dressed up as a "first class piece of mail." Partially because it was clever, original, simple, easy to put together, and something I could wear to work without impeding my ability to work. Partially because I desperately love you and was flattered that you would suggest, after all we've been through, that I was a first class guy.

But you told [Friend] the same thing apparently. So not only did everyone who knows what [Friend] went for as Halloween probably see me in the pictures I posted of my costume, and think "How the hell pathetic are both [Friend] and [Filmmaker] for ripping off the same 'quirky original' costume idea," but it also turns out that apparently you don't really think I'm a first class guy, you were just showing everyone how clever and witty you are.

It wouldn't hurt so much if I hadn't actually WORN the damn costume you suggested. It wouldn't hurt so much if I hadn't posted the pictures on Facebook for everyone to see. I wouldn't have hurt so much if it hadn't been [FRIEND], of all people, who regardless of how you feel about him, I get jealous of because I know he has a crush on you. (Of course he does. He took your costume idea too.) And it wouldn't have hurt so much if [Friend] hadn't posted online that "Hey, I had the same costume. Damn it!" It wouldn't have hurt so much if I didn't still love you desperately, and wasn't constantly hoping that we could somehow work things out, and if that didn't lead me to hope that when you said I was a first class male, that meant that, in some small way, you loved me still too.

But I guess it means nothing. You were just being clever at both my and [Friend]'s expense.

I know it may not seem like a big deal to you, but not only did this humiliate me, but it broke my heart."


I didn't know what to do. How to react.

On the one hand, I was relieved. He didn't go to Florida. He was wearing the same costume as someone else in a different time-zone. Not that bad.

But still, he was hurt. A lot, apparently. And I don't want to hurt anyone, let alone someone I care about deeply.

But then, how could he misconstrue a costume suggestion to mean that I loved him?


I don't know. I wrote back that I was sorry and that I hadn't meant to hurt him.

And then I got an e-mail from him that was angry that I had chosen to be terse.

So I wrote one back saying that I didn't want to write anything else, because if I did, he would either use it as a reason to yell at me or a reason to beat himself up, and I wanted to avoid both situations. I also said, in no uncertain terms, that I do not want to get back together with him.

He wrote me again, saying that he wants to Skype with me to sort out this argument, and then he linked to a study claiming that body language is 55% of communication.

I just feel... squished. Flattened. Like there's no where for me to go. I just want to make all of this go away.

I didn't mean to hurt him, but he keeps hurting me. I try to be nice, and everything goes wrong. And the result is that I just end up beating myself up and feeling miserable, or wanting to hit him or something.

Maybe I'm the bad guy in this situation. Maybe I am. I admit that. And as much as I want you all, lovely readers, to tell me that I'm not, I can't even believe it if you say it. Because I know that you're viewing a very skewed, one-sided, biased version of this story. And who knows what it looks like from his side?



May your good intentions not lead to Hell.

~A~